God Hates Me

2005-04-13T16:50:00.000-07:00

A huge part of the reason the Right has risen to dominance in American politics is their successful campaign to portray liberals as wimps; and themselves--by implication--as manly men. By their way of spinning things, Sean Hannity is a tough guy while Martin Sheen is a pussy. This is bullshit because the loudest people on the right are the biggest bitches in America. The biggest reason for the triumph of this bullshit, however, is the very real Liberal Vagina.
Although he may or may not bare a vestigial pair of testicles, the Liberal Vagina is a henpecking bitch who went to college instead of church, the Peace Corps instead of the army and yoga classes instead of bars. Instead of fuming about how a sitcom with a gay character will mean the end of human procreation, (s)he fumes about how Governor Schwarzenegger’s “girly men” joke is a dire affront to the transgendered and "gender-challeneged."
The primary concern of the Liberal Vagina is to pester and harass strangers into his notion of comportment. Although the Liberal Vagina is ostensibly concerned about issues relating to the equality of the races, sexes and sexual orientations, this is just a pretext to get his beak up your ass. He couldn’t tell you the different rates of incarceration for black and white drug offenders, but if a newscaster quotes a use of the word ‘nigger’ instead of childishly saying ‘the n-word,’ he is ready for war.
This rant was triggered by hilariously vagatastic string of absurdities on salon.com. The author is a father trying to cope with the fact that his daughter enjoys pretending to be a Disney Princess. Seriously. No, really; I am being 100% serious. He thought about that issue for tens of hours, even formed a kind of support group for similar parents, wrote an article for Salon and they published it. Again, this is a piece about the fact that his daughter likes to dress up as a fucking princess, which to him presenta some sort of crisis. I await a follow-up about the horror of having a son who stands up to pee. “I know he didn’t see that kind of behavior in my house!”
The really striking thing about the article is the similarity in thinking to a fundie busybody who wants to ban sex education from school. Both peoples deny the realities of biology. The fundie thinks that by refusing to teach teens about safe sex, the kids can be prevented from doing so during the height of their fertility. The Liberal Vagina thinks that if you give your daughter a toy fire truck instead of a Barbie, she’ll wind up captain of the football team. Somewhere there’s a 16-year-old Mormon who’s only allowed to watch Disney films, while this schmuck is prohibiting his 6 year old daughter from watching them and, presumably, forcing her to sit through GI Jane..
The guy has some valid concerns. For example, he’s afraid of his daughter investing too much of her self esteem in her looks. Fair enough. But because of this concern, he becomes alarmed when she begins pronouncing herself to be a "beautiful princess." This is at least as stupid as other parents being upset at their kids seeing Janet’s pastied tit for 3/8ths of a second. It’s fucking nature you assholes! Women have boobs and they like to feel pretty. Being an unattractive woman is tough to deal with, of course. Probably about as hard as being a guy with a 2-inch dick, or one who can’t put on a condom without popping his cork. That doesn’t mean we can or should alter nature in attempt to fix it--so these things don’t matter. This notion is the spawn of the pussy-ass “everyone gets a trophy” mentality. If every girl can’t be beautiful, we should combat the very idea and practice of beauty. If I sound a little like Rush Limbaugh here, it’s not because I’m doped up. It’s because Liberal Vaginas are the ones who give Rush and other rightwing bitches fodder. You candy-asses are part of the reason that a retarded little coward like tWit is seen as a bigger, tougher dude than a decorated vet. Because you are associated with the vet.
Look Liberal Vaginas, until you accomplish the following set of goals, just fuck off because you are only making things worse.
Go one month without calling someone a misogynist; realizing that simply calling someone a "cunt" or wanting to fuck a girl from behind doesn’t mean that one hates women..
Go a week without calling someone a racist; you gots to realize that jokes about race and varying attitudes about racial politics are not necessarily the result of racial hatred.
Buy a toy gun for a boy.
Buy a Barbie for a girl.
Sample at least 3 of the following pleasures without any feelings of shame or guilt: Laugh at a joke made at the expense of a race/ethnicity other than whites. Jerk off to barely legal porn. Ridicule someone behind his back for being fat, ugly or disabled. Call someone/be called a "bitch" during sex. Eat fois gras. And overpay for it.
Watch a football game while swilling beer. Expect your wife/girlfriend to provide you and your buddies with greasy sustenance for the duration. At halftime call up a foreign friend and tell him that soccer is the lamest, most boring sport known to mankind and that no other nation could compete with American football players because of the genetic superiority of our awesome black athletes. Hang up and then question the heterosexuality of one of the athletes.
Drink bourbon for lunch.
In summary; don't be a pussy. It only hurts America.

2005-04-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

Keep my memories of you in a drawerold letters you wrote me sentimental things I can't bear to look at (you) anymoreI guess your life is better nowFinally have security and a man you plan to marryI guess you're not feeling you're withoutDo you ever remember meall those things we planned to bethose times I held you late at night? Now I am to you only a memoryFour years and counting that's all I amit's just wasted time gone byI can't explain the way I feel insidethis loneliness grabs me and won't let me go and I've got nowhere to hideI was twenty two years old and didn't have many friendsyou'd taken everything from meI'm not afraid of being alone in this world 'cause I know one day your time's gonna comeI think about you, no asylum in my sleepDreams of moments we have shared are painful things to keepTime is the healer and I guess in time we'll seewhen you realize what you had is only a memory

2005-03-08T14:34:00.000-08:00

Nothing says sheer enjoyment like opening one's self up to public scrutiny. Why am I doing this..... That is a good question.... I really don't know... Nothing better to do I guess. The vodka is gone, as is the beer and the MD 20/20. The music is off, people are sleeping, and I.... I am not. I am an insomniac; plain an simple... I don't sleep... What the fuck is sleep anyway? A fucking waste of time.... thats what it is. I am currently in Wisconsin freezing my fucking balls off, and for what? A possibility of change, a possibility of advancement, a possibility to get my shit in order? who the fuck knows... I sure as fuck don't.

So I have come to grips with a horrible realization as of late... I am an addict... If it is fun, if it is bad, if (assuming you believe in hell) it will send me to hell... Then I am doing it, doing it to the extremes. And why not? The moments that have made me the happiest are those in which I was doing something bad. Balling the shit out of a girl in a Gap dressing room? Yea.. thats a fun one. Getting it on while in a hot tub with about 13 other people around... yea done that one too. I am a horrible person but I know this, and that, friends and neighbors, is what makes me superior.

So to those of you who don't know me, and those of you who do... judge me as you will... Leave me comments, I really don't care. I will say my peice, I will disgust you, I will rape your third eye, but most importantly I will leave you coming back for more. And that, that is what it boils down to. So do with it what you will.

2005-02-19T23:53:00.000-08:00

I have realized that I am a jealous person.... I am jealous of other people and their interactions with significant others. For some reason I fail miserably in that aspect. I don't understand it. I am under the curse of being able to save everyone elses relationships but my own. I just can't do it. I cannot listen to my own advice, I chose not to listen to other people's advice. I am an idiot. When I finally find someone that I COULD see myself with for a very long period of time, I fuck it up. Is this based on my past? My very fucked up relationship track record? What is it?!?!?! I just don't know. Rather than hold the good things in my life close to me, I subconciously push them away. The one's that I think something could happen with are typically those with whole I have been relegated to the much feared 'friends' status with.

All i have in this world are my balls and my word.... I don't break them for no man....
-Tony Montana
Scarface

Fuck off

2005-02-19T17:03:00.000-08:00

Things I have to say about "The Notebook". Not only does the film lack any interesting content, it is completely redundant. If you can actually make it through the title screen without dumping your girlfriend and making a run for it you'll soon discover two horrible truths to the movie. Scare the shit out of me point #1: One of the main characters is in fact a really nasty chick who needs to make good friends with a tanning bed. If you can stomach this chick, I suggest trying out for Fear Factor. Crap in my pants point #2: On the other side of a spectrum you'd rather not analize, you have a really ghetto and broke guy who resembles a wet rat. A blind man could figure out what happens next. With no common sense whatsoever, the two end up falling in love with each other and slutting it up all over the place while the girls parents are like ummm WTF! our daughter has the standards of Forest Whittaker! Don't see this movie. PERIOD!

2005-02-13T23:20:00.000-08:00

Ah yes

Valentine's Day.... Feb. 14th.... As you may (or may not) know, I despise this holiday....

Valentines Day... ah, the powerful emotions it doth evoke. Images of young lovers holding hands, the exchange of flowers and heart shaped boxes of chocloate candy, laughter, joy, love, love, love; all this coupled with the promise of the impending spring thaw.
It's enough to make a free thinking individual want to gouge his own eyeballs out with an old rusty pair of scissors.
You hate Valentine's Day. Every year you screw up your face in disgust when your eyes fall on the center of your February calendar. Every year you glare in contempt and hatred at these ignorant fools who buy into this money-making scheme of unabashed transparent nothingess thinkly disguised as a day to show that special loved one just how much you care, while leaving those of us who are not in the throes of love to feel rejected, unloved, and downright inadequate. And those of you who are lucky enough to share the companionship of another are very aware that passing this wretched date by unheeded will result in scorn and contempt from your partner.
You've finally had enough, and you want to take action, but you are at a loss as of what kind of action to take. In a stroke of rare generosity, I have compiled a list of things you can do to make February 14 a tolerable, and even perhaps enjoyable, day for those of who refuse to be enslaved by commercialism.
Firebomb all the Hallmark card shops you can find. The greeting card industry created this "holiday" and the most effective way of ridding ourselves of it is to destroy it at the source. Greeting card shops sell primarily paper goods, and will burn quite efficiently.
Gather a large amount of sympathetic malcontents together and declare February 14 as a Day of Hate. Ridicule those who are less fortunate than you, refuel old ethnic hatred while encouraging the hate that already exists, explode an advertising binge of misanthropy. Be sure to be extremely vocal so as to get the attention of the media. Break lots of things with reckless abandon. Carry placards with catchy hateful slogans, such as "Hate Is Great", "Have You Exploited Someone Today?" and "Fuck Love". Hit the malls and be sure to torch all the greeting card shops (see (1)). This will have the positive side effect of destroying the malls where today's vacuous youth, extremely vulnerable to advertising, run rampant like a bad case of hives.
Upon coming in contact with aforementioned amourous starry-eyed couples, proceed to exclaim loudly to either one, "Why didn't you call me! You told me our passionate night together was only the beginning?! Who the hell is *this* cretin? Don't you know that s/he could never love you like I can?! You're coming with *me*!" Etc., ad nauseum. Be very animated, and feel free to physically get in between these two clueless sots. To be especially effective, do your research ahead of time and seek out certian couples. Learn their names, their habits and lifestyles, and capitalize on this. By ruining their holiday of love together, you will be adding them to the ranks of bitter V.D. malcontents.
You get the picture. Refuse to be passive! Join the ranks of the angry, the bitter, the angstful, and smash this day into oblivion. You'll thank me for it in the end, I guarantee.

2005-01-17T16:14:00.000-08:00

Wow... finally broke 1000 hits... god i suck... it only took like a year and a half. Oh well, it isn't really like i write this crap for everyone else.. but sometimes i guess i do... what ever.

Either way, sometimes i find myself in a rather philosophical mood in which i try to tackle the problems philosopically inherint to the world. And unfortunately for you reading this, I am in one of those moods yet again... And instead of just thinking about this shit I am actually going to put it out there.

So lately I have been surrounded by a great deal of worthless individuals... These people have no inherint worth, and quite possibly no intrinsic value either. This brought me to a question of natural selection, Darwinism. The idea of the weak being weeded out is one that has been around for hundreds if not thousands of years. The eskimos are some of the most recognisable to embrass assertive selection, in which they chose those that were weak and sent them adrift on a hunk of ice. This insured good bloodlines, this insured only the strong remained. The question that then approached me was why, if this social darwinism exists, do the weak and stupid still remain?

Natural selection has been described as an environment selectively screening for those who will have progeny (offspring). Where humans are concerned, though, this is an extremely limiting viewpoint. Reproduction by sex tends toward experimentation and innovation. It raises many question, including the ancient one about whether environment is a selective agent after the variation occurs, or whether environment plays a pre-selective role in determining the variations which it screens.
This is an interesting idea. One that tends to support more of a lack of freewill. This view dictates that we fall into 'love' and 'lust', not based on our own minds, but based off of the situation we are thrust into. The idea of the universe helping to influence us and the way that we reproduce is in all reality very logical. Assuming that all people come into the world with a blank slate, or tabulas rasa, implies that since we are shaped by our surroundings and various inputs, that the world would indeed influence breeding.

Okay... now i have no clue where i am going with this so i am just going to stop.

God hates you

2005-01-02T04:36:00.000-08:00

After the last posting I got some nasty remarks from various people... This inspired me to give women, and I guess men who swing that way, alittle something to say to embarass/humiliate/mentally destroy your significant other.

The following is Zac's top 30 Cruel Things To Say To A Naken Man List*

I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Awww, it's cute.
I guess this makes me the early bird.
Why don't we just cuddle?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Make it dance.
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
It's OK, we'll work around it.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Can I be honest with you?
How sweet, you brought incense.
This explains your car.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Why is God punishing me?
At least this won't take long.
I never saw one like that before.
But it still works, right?
It looks so unused.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Are you cold?
If you get me really drunk first....
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

*Please note.... Not ALL of these have been said to me...

God still hates you....

2004-12-28T13:15:00.000-08:00

So I am back in California... I have been back all of 10 days, just figured I would post... Haven't done that in a whlie... Please excuse spelling et al... but I am sick as a dog.

So anyway... Being back home has been interesting. I had an attempt on my life (someone tried to make my car blow up), my car broke, I got sick, had to put up with family... So all in all a pretty shitty time so far. My friends are atleast there to give me shit about it and keep my life interesting. All my friends like to compare me to stuff, so I will share some of their comparisions with you, my on again off again readers.....

I was compared to the song Perfect Drug by NIN because though this certain friend has a boyfriend, she calls me her favorite addiction, and though she knows it is wrong she can't help but want me in a carnal fashion. That kinda made me chuckle.

Another friend of mine compared me to damn near every Maroon 5 song out there, says that we would have been amazing as a couple but shit got in the way. She told me the name of the song it reminded her of, but I can't remember, and almost all of Maroon 5's shit is all about jilted love, or love that fails, so I guess that works out as well.

I was told that I reminded people of Ben Afleck and Jessie James so that's kinda fun.

But I think my favorite reflection about me by others has to have been at one of my friends 21st bday parties. It was essentially a highschool reunion. There were about 16 girls there and only 3 of them I had not hooked up with. But anyway I was joking around, being self depresiating and what not and was talking mad shit about my penis being horribly small, how it could have potential if it didn't hook so badly to the right. Anyway as I was talking about it most of the girls were like wtf? that ain't right... And one of my friends that I had hooked up with goes "Zac, saying you have a small penis is like saying the French had a hand in helping win WW2, both of which damn near everyone here knows is false."

That made my fucking day! Let me tell you what... To get on my good side all you have to do is stroke my........ ego.... and make fun of the French.... If you do those two things, we will get along juuuuuust fine!

Either way... I'm out...

And remember.... God still hates you!

2004-12-01T22:21:00.000-08:00

My life sucks... Or maybe it is I that sucks at life? Why must women be such bitches sometimes? The one time in years that i have found emotion, it gets fucked up in the blink of an eye... People I stand up for, and defend from persecution snap at me. Slowly, after time, even MY mental armor starts to crack. It is like a finely working immune system, you don't get sick for years, and then suddenly, one little cold hits you. And while most people would just brush off this little common bug, because you never get sick it lays you up for a month. Thus, my small crack in my mental armor is turning my life upside down. Shit doesn't get to me, so when it does, it really gets to me.

I can't explain to most people what that is like. I can't explain to people, people who have already judged me as cold and calous, how it feels. Going years with out emotion is begging for an eruption. And an eruption is near, boys and girls, an eruption is near. Let me just warn you now, you will not want to be around for it. It is not going to be pretty, one day someone will say something wrong and BAM! imma hit them.... just a warning....

So much for my temporary insanity excuse... I just showed premeditation.

Fuck off

2004-11-29T07:08:00.000-08:00

Hmmmm......

What to do? What to say? It really doesn't matter. It is not like anyone reads this but myself and like 4-5 other people. Oh well, what good is self administered psychoanalysis if no one sees how it works! So anyway, winter break is right around the corner... thank God for that. I need to get out of this hell hole for awhile. There are great people here, but there are also some I cannot stand. And frankly at noon i dont want it to be 15 degrees after windchill. Sunny So Cal is where i need to be. Good friends, decent family, and 'cold' winters that drop below 60 during the day!

Either way I just need to get outta this place for a bit. So many decisions, so many lies, so many memories. They all seem to be going no where, I am in the proverbial controlled decent of my Ripon career.

For those who don't know, a controlled decent is when a multiengined airplane starts to run out of fuel and starts to lose engines one by one. There is nothing you can do to stop it, all you know is that eventually that fourth motor is going to go out and then BAM! SEEEEEEEEEE YA!

I have yet to decide weither or not this controlled decent is a good thing or bad, and if so what to even do about it! Either way fuck this noise, I'm outta here

oh yea.... and God hates you

2004-11-24T13:06:00.000-08:00

Blah! No resolution... Oh well...

that about sums things up right now.

Hell in a handbasket

Angry.... Gonna eat some turkey and drink some booze... hopefully hot tub it...

by the time i get back maybe i will have something pertinant to write about... what ever

God Hates You

2004-11-21T01:09:00.000-08:00

Wow.....

I am a horrible person.

But am I? So I had a wonderful nite tongiht. Got drunk... Got laid... called a friend to have him bring his g/f down for an orgy with my current interest.

Definately interesting. It is good to be back. From shy and reserved, slowly starting to backslide into my highschool days. Which can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on the way you want to take it.

I am rather scared actually, I don't know what to do... Feelings are so far removed from me at this point in time, but they are starting to creap back in. This is.... confusing? I guess you would say. Either way. Quick update cause I have been recalcitrent on that.

God hates you!

PS Don't mind the spelling... Drunk for the first time in a loong while

2004-11-10T20:28:00.000-08:00

Blah I say.... Blah about sums up my life. It is rather dull and drama filled. I am seriously contemplating just saying fuck it all and enlistening... Get some money... kill some people... get in shape... everything i have always wanted... just a phone call away essentially... I am okay with this, but most other people are not. Oh well... Fuck em.. It is my decision, and as far as I am concerned I have yet to hear a compelling argument to stay. So young.... So angry... Damn that rap music!

Fuck you.....

God Hates Me

2004-10-29T16:42:00.000-07:00

So Halloween is here! By far one of my favorite holidays. Nothing says fun like dressing up, getting drunk and hooking up with people that you don't know! Now this is from a college prospective of course, kids are all like Candy! Yeah! Fuck that... I'm like Beer and Bitches! Yay! Masks are good too, cause nothing says random hook up then the costumes that you dont know at all who the other person is until you are in the bedroom (read also as bathroom, library, lounge, where ever else you may be hooking up). This can cause some problems, or provide some pleasent surprises. Either way. I am a big fan.

The Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm... Sounds like...every commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that's the connection they're trying to make. I have decided I really like porn. Lately the whole sex life thing has taken a massive downswing and I figured porn might be a good outlit, but instead of gettin me off at all, I tend to just laugh my ass off. Porn is so horrible, yet funny at the same time. I mean seriously, people need to watch porn just to blow off steam. It is great for bonding and for entertainment... seriously, try it. Get a group of people, girls, guys, girls and guys, girls guys and donkeys, who really cares; just get a group togeather and watch some porn. It is an entertaining time, and depending on the people, it could result in a full blown orgy.

Either way, random tangent, random post... you know, just felt like i should do it.

God hates you

2004-10-10T23:43:00.000-07:00

I am back. And like normal, this means I am angry. So much fucked up shit has happend in the last month I don't really know where to start. I could talk about stupid people, my possible jail time, fines, emergencies, sanctions... I really don't know where to start. Needless to say shit has gotten fucked up.

They don't teach you this in history class, but in colonial times, the person who got left in the stocks overnight was nothing left than fair game for everybody to nail. Men or women, anybody bent over had no way of knowing who was doing the ram job, and this is the real reason you never wanted to end up here unless you had a family member or a friend who would stand with you the whole time. To protect you. To watch your ass for real. That is how I feel right now.... I feel as if I have just been put in the stocks.... with no one watching my ass... It is just a matter of time before I get fucked, and like the example, it is not going to be happy, it is going to hurt and I don't know what is going to fuck me first.

It is strange. I am not the type of person who gets scared, but currently, man.... I am fucked in the head. Right when I feel that I am getting my life back on track, it seems like some thing, (in this case some things) comes up and fucks up everything I have going for me. Right when I am close to a revelation, BAM! back in the fire. It sucks. People constantally tell me that God loves me, I wish I saw this love.... In closing, God still hates me, he hates you, and there is nothing we can do about it. We are just some unlucky fucks who had the misfortune of being born.

God hates me

2004-09-01T17:54:00.000-07:00

Well all....

All that is being all the people who still manage to stop by the blog, so both of you... assuming there are even that many... I have a computer and I am back at school... So you know what that means don't you? That's right! More biting satireacle commentary supported with the inability to spell. The first full week back at school is coming to an end, and by then I should have a great deal of stuff to bitch about... Be it social happenings, the upcoming elections, or the fucking (manditory bit of swearing) olympics... what ever strikes me. Either way, I am back, the blog is back and that's right boys and girls.... God still hates you....

2004-06-02T14:12:00.000-07:00

I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Zac, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...

2004-05-10T12:07:00.000-07:00

So anyway, I was forced to post. I haven't done it in a while, and frankly, I feel bad about it. I sit here and bitch at all the other bloggers who don't update regularly, and I felt very hipocritical about it. So either way, here goes:

Getting old sucks. How can you say that you may ask, being all of 19 how can you possibly feel old, or know any of the imensities of the world that will press down on you as your life progresses. To this I respond, I have more life experiance in my little finger than you will see in your first 30 years. I have seen alot, I have done a lot, I have been all over. I have done things I shouldn't have, I have done things I definately was right to do. I have loved, I have lost, I have laughed, and yes, even I have cried. I have seen death first hand, as I have seen live created first hand. And from all the things I have seen, it has made me a very cold and cynical person. This is quite obvious if you look at my past postings, but I felt it was my duty to inform the public of why I am this way.

I am this way, because I was destined to be. I am not the reincarnation of Christ, for which you all should be dropping to your knees and, not worship God, but suck me off. Because if I am the pennicle of existance, you are all fucked. To echo the thoughts of the Bloodhound Gang, "If I were God there would be no explicit sex on T.V.
Like little Opie eating pie when he made it with Aunt Bea
If I were God thou shall not worship false Billy Idols
And thou shall add the Book Of Flavor Flav to the Bible
Thou shall make fun of Hindus thou shall not make a "Speed 2"
If I were God that's what I'd do Heavens no
Hell yeah
If I were God I'd get a bunch of slaves to do everything
Norwegian lesbians that feed me grapes and know how to sing
If I were God thou shall not wear tube socks with Flip-Flops
Thou shall sit and thou shall spin thou shall even wife swap
Thou shall resist the Olsen Twins, thou shall not cut "Footloose"
If I were God that's what I'd do, Heavens no
Hell yeah"

So anyway, now for another random ass segway. People do not realize the horrors that are out there. People feel that they are the biggest bad ass in the bad ass kingdom, but no matter how much they love someone, they would step back when the pool of their blood comes to close. People do not realize why some people are cold. They do not understand why war veterans who saw combat have that thousand mile stare. They do not understand what it is like to see a human life snuffed out before their eyes. That grim reality, if experianced is what will give you pause. It will make you realize that you, too, will die. That you, in all your glory and bad assedness, will die. We are all wormfood. It is a great irony if you ask me, but hey, no one's asking so fuck em all!

But aging sucks. I have the mind of a 19 year old, the looks of a 25 year old, and the body of a 90 year old. My joints are going, barometric pressure changes will illicit either pain or joy from me, it takes about 15 min. just to climb out of my loft in the morning, and that is done with great protest from my body. I really don't have the mind of a 19 year old, it is more the mind of a mid 50s vietnam vet, who is so shell shocked that they have, essentially been shocked into enlightenment. There is a reason why there was such a high suicide rate of vets, as well as such high occurances of them going of into the wilderness. They realize that this world is not all sunshine and rainbows, just a trival waste of time until they die. Now I am different from them in a way, I feel more that while I am waiting to die, I am just going to have a great fucking time. I am going to do things, and I am going to try to do them right. But, as I said, no one cares, I am doing this to maintain my narcisism. Either way,

I'm out.

"If I don't believe in myself, would that be blasphamy?"

2004-05-05T16:20:00.000-07:00

Sorry all, but there will be alittle bit of a hiatus on the posting of the blog. I am packing up to go home and computer is going to have to go. Feel free to continue commenting, but it will be a 2 weeks until I can post again. Sorry for the inconvenience.

2004-04-30T00:23:00.000-07:00

So people these days, crazy. That is all I can say about that. Everyone obsessed with looks, attitude, social stigma. No one can formulate a thought on their own anymore. Everyone needs to feel the approval of someone. Be it friends, parents, classmates, fraternity brothers, God, etc. everyone needs approval. This bothers me. Because while everyone needs to feel this approval, but yet they cannot seem to interpret things. They cannot think on their own. They are more prown to believe what a complete stranger has to say about someone, rather than ask that person themselves. It is almost like intimate interaction is becoming the taboo today. I do not understand it.

Getting over there issues is really difficult for the average person these days as well. Something bad happens to me, but it doesn't phase me, and this bothers people. They all treat me with this false sympathy, acting like they really care, but all they really are, are psychic vampires.. They are sucking the (suspected) emotion out of me. No one really cares, but yet they do. Why do they "care"? They care in order to feel good about themselves. No one is happy for you when you are in a good mood, no one pays you any mind... but as soon as the mood shifts... oh man, everyone is coming out of the woodwork to see what is up, to offer you advice, to get you to spill your life story. This is because when something bad happens to someone else, it makes all your problems seem that much less. It allows people to escape from their realities for awhile... to bask in the happiness that comes with the thought of "damn, I'm glad that wasn't me."

What people really need to do is write down their problem. Every little detail about it. Then come find me. You are going to tell me your story like you just did. Write it all down. Tell that story over and over. Tell me your sad-assed story all night...When you understand...that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble it up and throw your past in the trashcan...then we'll figure out who you're going to be. Then you will be over your "issue". We must not dwell on our problems. For the most part, these "problems" are nothing more than a mental hang up, it is getting stuck in a moment that you cannot get out of, and frankly, it bugs the shit out of me.

You are going to have to realize things. Things that are hard to understand. Things like the fact that we are all going to die. Things like the fact that the one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person. These things define us as individuals, but yet we must not dwell on them, we must accept them and put them behind us. How can one live a full live while living with the dread that their next day may be their last. We must overcome these fears, these petty problems. Because in the end, there is always something worse. Something just as trivial, but yet, for some reason that much more horrible. Be it your death, a break up of lovers, your dog getting hit by a car, blindness, burning, all of these things can be seen as horrible, but at the same time they can be seen as possitive things. You know how you look at ugly hunchback girls, and they are so lucky. Nobody drags them out at night so they can't finish their doctorate thesis papers. You look at burn victims and think how much time they save no looking in mirrors to check their skin for sun damage. The blind can live in the beautiful ignorance of how ugly this world is. And the dead, well, the dead have it the best. They do not have to put up with the trivialities of life. They do not have these petty problems that I write of. They are happy, in the purest since of the word...

Another thing I do not understand is the concept of a God. Well, I understand it quite well actually, but what I don't understand is the lack of worship. I mean sure, you may think of yourself as a good zealot, you attend church, you go to bake sales, you even help out with the homeless... but why is it then that the only time you call out to 'Him' is when you're in crisis and need something?

Shit... When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?

Fuck it... I'm out....

2004-04-22T22:03:00.000-07:00

I have been asked by my dear fiend, err.. Friend... Nick to relate a Spring Break Tale. This is a tale of love, loss, fear, and loathing all set in beautiful Mexico.
For those of you not familiar with the geography of Mexico, we were located at lovely Campo Tres B. This is on the Baja Pennisula.

After driving from Claremont, California, through Brawley, Palm Springs, Desert Hot Springs and Palm Desert, we crossed the border at Calexico into Mexicali, Mexico. Proceeding south along the only highway out of the city, we passed an old whore house, Campo Mosqueda, and El Mayor, we came to a large tractor tire with 3 white B's painted on the side. We hang a left onto a dry river bed/drug running air strip. After driving a mile into the wilderness we came upon my house.

Now let me give you the run down of what was in my 1988 Jeep Wrangler. 4 people, 4 people's luggage, and over 200 dollars of alcohol bought at the duty free store. This was obviously going to be a week that we would not remember. After tons of nakedness, drinking, debauchery, and other random occurances, we proceed to San Felipe, a lovely fishing village on the coast of the Sea of Cortez. After a day eating fish tacos and drinking copious amounts of alcohol, we proceed to return home. On the way back we encounter a government sactioned fireworks stand. We enter the double wide trailer and find it inhabited by the most attractive Mexican I have ever seen in my life.

She looked 18 but was obviously closer to 16, wearing a catholic school girl outfit. The name on the breast was Candy Cherry 702. She was about 5'4, athletic, long black hair, brown eyes, and probably a large C cup. I was instantally in love. My broken spanish mixed with her broken english, (also when she got flustred over her english, she would massage her breasts) made for an interesting time. While i was bartering for Fireworks (aka Fuegos Artificiales) I was tempted to aske her to come to the United States with me. Fuck Guy, Fuck Nick, Fuck Stacy. She could take any of their seats and the unlucky fellow who would not be returning would be shot in the back of the head and placed in a shallow ditch along the bank of the Rio Harde.

But alas this was not to be... The fireworks were purchased, and my rather drunk companions wanted to go back to camp. I missed my chance to smuggle an illegal alien across the border, I missed my chance at love, I missed my chance at having my own sex slave, for christ sakes.

That is my story, I am sticking to it. I realize that this is alittle off topic compared to my rants of the past, but a request is a request. I told my tale, only one of many that occured over the week in mexico. Look for the book, it will be written and published after all parties involved had made their fortunes and the ridicule will not effect their lives.

That is all.

2004-04-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

"The best way to waste your life is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don’t participate. Let Big Brother do the singing and dancing for you. Be a reporter. Be a good witness. A grateful member of the audience."

Please... Waste your life.... Post comments on the blog. With out your input I have no drive. So please, if you have a thought, post it, if you have a request, post it. That is all.

2004-04-22T01:21:00.000-07:00

What do you call a caseworker who hates her job and loses every client?
Dead.
What do you call the police worker zipping her into a big rubber bag?
Dead.
What do you call the television anchor on camera in the front yard?
Dead.
It does not matter. The joke is we all have the same punch line,

We will all die. That is eventual. That is the great joke that we live our lives under the shadow of every waking moment, of every waking day that we are alive. Since change is constant, you wonder if people crave death because it's the only way you can get anything really finished. Reality means you live until you die. The real truth is nobody wants reality.
When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat? Questions we all must ponder.

What is going on here? I am insane... When i'm sobre life bores me. So i get drunk again. In other words, I have decided that my work here is much more productive when I am drunk and the sun is about to come up. Sorry for the shortness but I am spent.

2004-04-20T00:52:00.000-07:00

So, it is 2:54 am, and I am feeling alittle philosophic. Why are we here? Do you ever feel that you have a purpose on this planet? I don't. I feel that we are all in one big ass cosmic joke. What is the meaning of life? To die. That is the easiest ansewer, but yet the most difficult to swallow. I do not know about the rest of you but to me this feels like I am just another task in God's daily planner: The Renaissance pencilled in for right after the Dark Ages. The Information Age is scheduled immediately after the Industrial Revolution. Then the Post-Modern Era, then The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Famine. Check. Pestilence. Check. War. Check. Death. Check. And between the big events, the earthquakes and tidal waves, God's got me squeezed in for a cameo appearance. Then maybe in thirty years, or maybe next year, God's daily planner has me finished.

I am strangely okay with this. I realize that in time we must all face that grim realization that we are going to die. So I figure i am going to get my damn money's worth! Fuck sleep, you can sleep when you are dead. Over the course of an average week, the average human gettin the average amount of sleep (8 hours). That means that the average human sleeps 56 hours a week. Multiply that by 6 billion and you have alot of lost time! Imagine what could be accomplished, imagine what could be created, what could be destroyed, what could be understood, what could be discovered. Why waste all that time? I mean all God does is watch us... And kill us when we become boring.. That is when our cosmic slot on the day planner is up. We must never become boring!

And now for something completly different.

Nothing is good as a fantasy. Nothing is as good as you can imagine it. No one is as beautiful as she is in your head. Nothing is as exciting as your fantasy. When fantasy becomes reality, that is where the beauty leaves. Sex with someone you have lusted after is never as good as it is in your head. You are left dissapointed, you have no control over it, it is all in your mind. But still that is what happens. It is almost better to pass on the fulfilling of a fantasy because it will denigrate what you have in your mind. It will never be the same again. Remember this the next time you are at a party, and you have the chance to make the beast with two backs with the girl you have been lusting after for awhile, remember this when you have the opportunity to do something you have wished for with all your heart. Realize that this thought, this dream is more precious then anything in the physical world.

That brings me to another thought. Sex. Sex is the most precious thing in my life I think. It cannot compare. There is the old joke, "What is the difference between your wife, your meat, your eggs, and a blow job?" You can beat your meat, you can beat your wife, you can beat your eggs but you just can't beat a blow job. Now sure this is a joke, but think about it: For sure, even the worst blow job is better than say, sniffing the best rose... watching the greatest sunset. Hearing children laugh. I think that I shal never see a poem as lovely as a hot-gushing, butt-cramping, gut-hosing orgasm. Painting a picture, composing an operra, that's just something you do until you find the next willing piece of ass. Well for me at least. Another great thing about sex is it's acquisition without the burden of possessions. No matter how many women you take home, there's never a storage problem.

Alas that thought will have to be completed at another time... it is 4 am, and I am tired. Kind of ironic that I talk about not wanting to sleep, all the lost time, and here it is; case in point, what i was talking about. I cannot finish my creative expression due to my lack of sleep. I will finish later, it isn't like anyone reads this anyway.